Sunday, February 7, 2010

What a shitty week, rant on!

Not talking about things that happened to me. Just talking about me physically. I felt extremely lousy every day in camp, with no real motivation to do anything; just slack off and waste my time away. Is this what it feels like when my ORD is approaching?

A lot of my opinions of what I'm going to do changed over the past month. At first I just thought I could get away trying to apply into a local U with my shitty scores to be content with that, but that is not the case anymore. As my return to civilian life draws closer, thoughts about what I really want to do to put food onto my rice bowl occur more frequently.

As of now, I still believe I can turn what I enjoy doing into a job, be it playing the piano or programming. It's no longer time to slack and waste my life away anymore. Dreams of getting rich while sitting on a sofa are only dreams; if it miraculously happens, good for me, otherwise suck it up and do it the hard way.

Occasionally when I'm alone, I always think about what I love to do, think about if it will last for the long term, think about why I lost interest in the first place. Then I realize it was mostly just me being impatient plus the fact that I lose interest very fast.

I remember when I was like...very young, when I told my mum I wanted to learn playing the piano. I don't remember the reason; maybe I just loved how the sounds it makes can make me tremble. As years goes by, it became harder and harder to concentrate practicing the piano, especially with distractions that keeps interrupting me. Every time I decide to practice, some distraction will occur, resulting in me being frustrated. Add my impatience and I will just lose interest due to the frustration.

Programming is a rather different case. Most things I start doesn't seem to do anywhere. It's like I'm just doing on/off programming just for the heck of it, just because I still find it quite fun. In my previous projects, I will just fail to see where it will get me, and where the project will end up. Most of the projects I've done seems either disorganized or uninteresting, causing me to lose interest and quit.

It kinda feels that I'm sitting there, waiting for something worthwhile to do. The side-project I'm doing with YH seems pretty good so far. When I see the structure, I actually feel that something can be done. Random projects with no direction doesn't put rice in my bowl = no interest = no point doing = just let it die.

I always try to be perfect. I think that's the biggest problem. Everything I do must be optimized; min-maxing to me is pretty enjoyable. The problem is, it takes time, and my impatience will always kill it. It is a flaw in my character, and I recognize it many times, but I always fail to remedy it. The remedy is so simple actually: 'respark the interest'.

Interest is a very strange thing. You can be interested in something one day, and not the other. It affects your mood and whether you want to do something or not. If you don't respark the interest, the interest level usually have a high chance of staying low. When your interest level is low, laziness, procrastination and other distractions will kick in. When things like laziness goes in, it's hard to find the motivation needed to become interested again. Most of the time, taking a break and reflecting helps.

I realize I can't be perfect in my piano playing overnight. Every piece I play must be polished individually and carefully. I should feel happy about making progress instead of feeling frustration of having a slow progress. I know I'm not a genius, just someone who can play the piano and took enough lessons to play better than most. But I'm still not a genius. I can't sight-read well, and I can hardly play by ear. These things don't happen overnight for me, and the solution is simple: Practice -> Re-spark interest -> Practice some more.

The bottom line is, things take time. There's a pace for everything in the world: some fast, some slow. As long as I don't give up and as long as I can keep the interest going, I can do anything.

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